Wednesday, September 17, 2008

How To Survive NJ Driving

Being a former NJ resident when my brother-in-law sent me this I felt I had to share. Most of it is so true it is scary :)

1. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

6. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Democratic frontrunner's campaign for governor.

12. Learn to swerve abruptly. NJ is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

13. It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The state is founded upon such traditions.

14. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

15. All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.

...that is all.

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  1. I like to think of you guys down there, living like rats - while my drives on 1-93 in northern NH (north of the notches) I often only see one, maybe two cars off in the distance a couple miles away. Rush hour is when there are 5 cars per mile.

  2. I thought it was just Las Vegas driving was that bad. One personal observation is that the taxi drivers here seem to believe that they are exempt from the laws of the road AND the laws of physics.